A column for seniors and those who love them

Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young. - Fred Astaire, American actor.

From the moment we are born, there are milestones in our life that appear to happen with little effort - almost accidentally. Before we turn around twice, as they say, we find ourselves a high school graduate. How did we do that? Really, we did it by just kind of going with the flow. Doing what society and Mom and Dad expected of us. The path to the goal was laid out in front of us. We were fed and clothed while we achieved this goal.

On the other hand, if we want to grow old gracefully, the graceful part does not happen by going with the flow. Oh, sure. Unless we die, we are going to grow older. But how many of us are going to do it with poise and grace? How many of us will possess the strength and courage to enable our friends and loved ones to enjoy our old age as much as they enjoyed us getting there?

One of the reasons happy aging is so difficult to do is because until it happens to us, we view aging with disdain. There are many reasons for this including our culture's worship of youth. More to the point, a definite reason we view old age with disdain is because of the way many people behave when they reach it. Unfortunately, many are discontented with life, set in their ways, and bitter toward others. As author George Dennison Prentice once wrote, "Some old women and men grow bitter with age. The more their teeth drop out, the more biting they get."

In the same way that we must plan how we are going to pay for long-term care, how we are going to distribute our assets at our death, and who is going to handle our business affairs if we cannot, we must also plan to grow older gracefully. It is difficult and challenging to be old, and it takes concentrated effort to find joy in our life, and to broaden our horizons further than our own losses, aches and pains. It is difficult, but possible. When it occurs, it is beautiful to behold. "When grace is joined with wrinkles, it is adorable. There is an unspeakable dawn in happy old age," said Victor Hugo.

Planning to grow old gracefully necessarily includes taking care of the physical part - all the "shoulds." The importance of values such as eating right, exercising, not smoking and maintaining a healthy weight does not lessen just because we find these choices difficult and unattractive. Managing to do those well is a key component to being healthier as we age. The healthier we are, the easier it is to cope with the slings and arrows of outrageous aging.

Fear of aging, experts say, speeds the very decline we dread most. Such a fear is the single most powerful agent creating exactly what we dread. Hate and disgust about being older will ultimately rob the life we have left to us of any meaning. In the mid-'90s, an article in the magazine Psychology Today announced that aging experts, many over 65 themselves, had coined the term "conscious aging" meaning to be aware of and accept what aging actually is - a notice that life has not only a beginning and a middle but an end - and to eliminate the denial that now prevents us from anticipating, fruitfully using and even appreciating our old age.

A Harvard study conducted by Ellen Langer and Rebecca Levy meticulously tracked how our fears, constructed by our culture, become self-fulfilling prophecies. Just as our fear of memory loss can create actual memory decline, the dread of aging is likely taking its toll on many other body systems. They wrote that, by the time we are 6 years old, (the same age we develop negative stereotypes about race and sex) we develop negative stereotypes about aging. Said Langer, "These stereotypes persist as we grow up. For the most part, we are completely unaware that we even acquired them. With our understanding of the subject forever frozen, we grow into old age assuming these stereotypes to be true, and we live down to them."

Betty Friedan wrote, "So long as we lock ourselves into an obsession with the youth culture, we can only develop age rage and dehumanize ourselves. Those who give up their denial of age, and decide to age consciously continue to grow and become aware of new capacities they develop while aging. They become more authentically themselves."

Here is an idea from Oprah that might help: Make a list of older persons you have truly admired, living or in history. What strengths do they have in common? When you feel down about aging, go to this list of people, reflect on their assets, and how you could become more like them. Try to learn to relax and have as much fun as you can. Think of the great front row seat you've been given from which to watch the frenzied activities of life.

Thanks for reading. Stay well. See you next week.

The writer, a longtime resident of Bowie, is secretary of the Maryland/D.C. chapter of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys and a member of the Elder Law Section of the Maryland State Bar Association. You may e-mail her at seniormoments@byrdandbyrd.com.